Back from a hiatus!

Once again, my attempt at following the 30 (or is it 31) days of the 10-Pound Shred book have been foiled! This time: I got sick. From Tuesday until Saturday morning, I woke up each morning with a fever and a headache. I was tired, sometimes exhausted, could get out of breath just cleaning the kitchen. Not fun. Unfortunately, being out of it like that means I probably didn't eat super well. I couldn't even begin to tell you what I ate last week! I just don't know! I can tell you that I did not exercise.

I asked Tommy Europe, the book's author, what to do since I'd been off it a week. He said to back track to Day 8. So, I redid Day 8 today. Day 8 is a motivation day: do whatever physical activity you like. So, I warmed up on the treadmill and then did some ballet exercises. (My daughter's dance recital on Saturday inspired that!) I used a book I have had since I was, hm, 12? 13? I used to be able to do so many of the things in it easily, more of a turnout... *sigh* If you don't use it, you lose it, don't forget that!

Some things I've observed over this past week however: my body really doesn't like sugar. White sugar, I mean. We had a birthday celebration for my sister-in-law and my niece (her daughter; I babysit her during the day) and I made a cake on Friday to bring to the celebration. I made it dairy-free so I could eat it. It was delicious, I have to say, but I did get a little hint of a headache after eating it, even though I was fine with anything else I ate.

Just now, I dipped into some of the remaining frosting. As it so often happens, an almost immediate headache. (When will I learn? I guess the yumminess still outweighs the small headache!) I first noticed this correlation between a certain type of headache I get and sweets when I was 16. I'm now 37. I'm a slow learner in this regard, it seems. Or too apathetic. :(

Other observations: I did weigh and measure myself as scheduled last week. Weight has not changed, but I felt very puffy, so perhaps it had changed and I was retaining water that day. Some measurements have gone down. Woot! That means my very unused muscles are tightening up! That's good news. I was disappointed that my weight hadn't changed. I had eaten so much more in terms of fruits and vegetables compared to previously, cut back on grains and I think eliminated junk. It was just one of those moments of feeling like it doesn't matter what I eat, the weight is staying the same. But then it hit me how much better I had been feeling, how even my seasonal allergies were simmering down even though other people I know are still having serious problems (people whose allergy symptoms' severity matched my own in previous years). Yesterday, I decided to try a piece of a raw apple. It didn't cause me to itch. Now, sometimes apples don't bother me, but most of the time they do. I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm in the middle of a season where others are having a hard time with allergies, and here I am, have been eliminating the crud from my diet and upping the whole fruits and veggies, and I was able to eat some apple. It's been 12 years since I first started having problems with apples. I was pregnant with my son. Years later, someone said to me it sounded as though my body needed to detox. I think she was right. And I hope that's what I'm now working on. Of course, eating the frosting isn't very helpful to that. :/ But things are improving and even if the weight isn't changing (yet), my health is, and that's so much more important.

I *almost* ate the last cupcake

I almost ate the last cupcake.

But I didn't.

It wasn't a matter of will power or anything like that. In fact, this post was supposed to be "I ate the last cupcake."

But I didn't.

It happened like this:

I still had a bunch of leftover cupcakes from Tuesday (St. Valentine's Day). Nobody was eating them. Well, not entirely true: Some were eaten on Tuesday, my 4yo niece had had one each day since, the little guy I look after had one yesterday and I indulged yesterday (and regretted it), but that still left many cupcakes. Hubby and my kids aren't eating them.

So I ate one after lunch.

Or rather, 3/4 of one.

I'd eaten half of it, really paying attention to the taste and texture, and was kind of thinking, "Why am I eating this? It doesn't even taste that good." See, it wasn't homemade and made of fine ingredients. It was No Name cake mix and some sort of prepackaged frosting. Full of man-made chemicals and crud. As I threw the last 1/4 of it away, I said to my daughter, "It doesn't taste like real food." Pause. "That's cuz it's not real food." (And even just the 3/4 I did eat left me with my tell-tale headache. I don't know if it's the cupcake or the frosting. Or an ingredient common to both. Or just my body's way of saying, "Stop eating this cr*p!")

I had no temptation for the rest of the afternoon.

My 7yo niece and 11yo nephew arrived after school. I let them each have a cupcake. (And part of me inside is now going, "Why am I feeding them that junk?") That left one. Which sat there. And sat there. And sat there.

I ate supper. With the cupcake sitting there still on the table. I thought, "I guess I'll eat it. I'd hate for it to go to waste."

In half a second, through my mind went the idea of blogging about how I ate the last cupcake and why-oh-why-did-I-eat-it-when-it-didn't-taste-that-good-and-how-I-catch-myself-doing-this-eating-things-up-because-I-don't-want-them-to-go-to-waste-but-won't-it-just-be-going-to-waste-in-my-body?

Going to waste in my body. 

And for something that I didn't even really enjoy.

I looked at that thing sitting there. The poor thing: its fate was doomed. No way I was going to eat it now.

I cleaned up my supper dishes and confirmed that nobody was going to eat it. Then I picked it up. It is now in the garbage--because everybody else here has the sense to not eat it. And now I do, too.

And that's how this post, that was going to be "I ate the last cupcake", became "I *almost* ate the last cupcake."

Self-Sabotage

This is a topic that might just come up fairly often because I'm so very good at it:

self-sabotage.

I put on one of my favourite pairs of jeans today and they are tight. Sure, they just came out of the laundry, but they're still not usually that tight. I tweeted that I needed to take charge of my food. And then, what do I do?

I ate 3 cupcakes.

Good grief!

Self-sabotage in full action. Why in the world would I eat 3 cupcakes after stating I needed to take charge of my food and being uncomfortable in my jeans? Especially cupcakes that seem to give me a particular headache after each one?

That's the $10 million-dollar question, I think. ;) Part of it stems too much from going with the flow: oh, I'm hungry, look! a cupcake, sure, I'll eat that. Then there's the "well, I don't know what else to eat, and it's quick and easy..." But there's more to it than that. I've got to either figure out what's at the root of this self-sabotage or just figure out a way to commit myself to what I want instead of giving in.

At least the cupcakes were dairy-free. :D

So, what do you think? Do you self-sabotage? In what way? What do you think would help you to stop?

EDIT: I should have entitled this post "Yearning For a Tight-Jean-Free Life". ;p